What Money Can’t Buy is a six part series exploring the role of money and morals in today’s world.
Everybody must watch this, especially lovers of unbridled capitalism.
What Money Can’t Buy is a six part series exploring the role of money and morals in today’s world.
Everybody must watch this, especially lovers of unbridled capitalism.
As quoted by Steven Pinker in Enlightenment Now:
>> Here is our modern avatar of anxiety, Woody Allen, playing out the 20th-century generational divide in a conversation with his parents in Hannah and Her Sisters (1986):
MICKEY: Look, you’re getting on in years, right? Aren’t you afraid of dying?
FATHER: Why should I be afraid?
MICKEY: Oh! ’Cause you won’t exist!
MICKEY: That thought doesn’t terrify you?
FATHER: Who thinks about such nonsense? Now I’m alive. When I’m dead, I’ll be dead.
MICKEY: I don’t understand. Aren’t you frightened?
FATHER: Of what? I’ll be unconscious.
MICKEY: Yeah, I know. But never to exist again!
FATHER: How do you know?
MICKEY: Well, it certainly doesn’t look promising.
FATHER: Who knows what’ll be? I’ll either be unconscious or I won’t. If not, I’ll deal with it then. I’m not gonna worry now about what’s gonna be when I’m unconscious.
MOTHER [OFFSCREEN]: Of course there’s a God, you idiot! You don’t believe in God?
MICKEY: But if there’s a God, then wh-why is there so much evil in the world? Just on a simplistic level. Why-why were there Nazis?
MOTHER: Tell him, Max.
FATHER: How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don’t know how the can opener works. <<
Photo by: Ian Sane https://goo.gl/2yv5JX
Journalist Megan McArdle published an article in January 2017 titled The 401(k) Problem We Refuse to Solve. Link: https://www.bloomberg.com/view/articles/2017-01-03/the-401-k-problem-we-refuse-to-solve If the link happens to be broken, you can find it after this article.
Takeaway ideas from McArdle’s text:
What is this so-called ”surcharge”? If go by the dictionary a surcharge is to be considered additional sum added to the usual cost or amount paid (www.tfd.com). McArdle’s proposal is nothing less than a flat mandatory savings rate imposed on top of the usual tax obligations.
Generally speaking a retirement system is comprised of there main pillars:
McArdle’s proposal is fundamentally NOT feasible for the following reasons:
”Beginning in the late 1970s, the real median household income stagnated. The vast American middle class employed several techniques to maintain its purchasing power notwithstanding. The first was for mothers to move into paid work; the second, for everyone to work longer hours; the third, to use rising home values to extract money through home equity loans or refinancing. By late 2007, debt reached 135 percent of disposable income.” (Robert Reich, Saving Capitalism) With little or negative income left, a vast majority of workers have no ability to save 10-15%, regardless if it’s imposed or not.
Demographic and economic trends that are contributing to the underfunding of the retirement system
The surge of neoliberal Reaganomics that followed the fall of the Bretton Woods agreement (on August 15, 1971) has started an age in American economy where income and wealth inequality have reached historical peaks. Within this context, the demographic and economic trends that are contributing to the underfunding of the retirement system are, but are not limited to:
They comprise of 75+ million Americans, approx. 23% of US population. This is the largest segment of the population. Richard Heinberg writes in The End of Growth:
“Few baby boomers have substantial savings; many had hoped to fund their golden years with house equity — and to realize that, they must sell. This will add more houses to an already glutted market, driving prices down even further.”
When boomers will exit labor market, they will put even greater pressure on the contribution mechanisms of the pillars, driving the underfunding to lower layers. Boomers will also drive down consumption, and may have a sizeable impact on the GDP.
Below there is a chart that follows the increases of productivity compared to increased in wages from 1948 onward.
Source: Economic Policy Institute analysis of unpublished total economy productivity data from Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) Labor Productivity and Costs program, BLS Current Employment Statistics, and Bureau of Economic Analysis National Income and Product Accounts. This chart originally appeared at go.epi.org/2013-productivity-wages. Quoted in Robert Reich, Saving Capitalism.
Lo and behold, when Reaganomics kicks in after Bretton Woods is buried, productivity goes through the roof and wages modestly go up. The enormous gap translates in staggering amounts of new wealth created by the economy that did not “trickle-down” to the general population. The wealth created billionaires and moved overseas in fiscal paradises, but did not go to retirement pillars or wealth for the many. This institutionalized Great American Theft of the 20th century have left people with largely no retirement security.
The 1970s were the beginning of a frenzy in the financial industry to create complex products through securitization. Since the dollar became fiat money, enormous amounts of currency and financial products were created to stimulate nominal growth. Deregulation from 1970s through 2000s and sheer greed from the Wall Street banks and their acolytes have created trillions of dollars in ABS (asset-backed securities) that were not actually backed by any real assets, which lead to the crash of 2008. Billions of dollars of 401k accounts have vanished, leaving millions without their life-time savings.
The US is the only advanced economy that does not guarantee some version of universal health care. In the 21th century, health care in the US continues to be viewed as a business that must followed the precepts of the market economy. This deeply flawed philosophy is costing the lives of millions of Americans and keeps millions more at poverty levels. The main reason for personal bankruptcy in the US are health care costs. Not only that health care is not considered a natural fundamental human right, but even Obamacare fell short of creating a universal health care system, that according to many economists is cheaper, is more financially sustainable, is more socially sustainable, prevents corporate abuses from HMOs, Big Pharma and lobbyists. The high health care costs have a direct impact on the retirement pillars, since they eat away heavily from savings that are supposed to sustain the retirement years.
As with health care, education in the US is mostly considered a business. Education is no longer viewed as the foundation for raising the minds of future generations. Both public and private schools have the mandate to be financially viable, not to create knowledge. Students start life after graduation heavily indebted, and their disposable income is shrunk by the student debt, leaving them little opportunities to save for retirement.
US Household Debt. Financial obligations ratio and total outstanding nominal debt of US households. A household’s financial obligations ratio (FOR) is the ratio of its financial obligations (mortgage, consumer debt, automobile lease payments, rental payments on tenant-occupied property, homeowner’s insurance, and property tax payments) to its disposable income. Just before the financial crisis, households were spending almost 19 percent of their disposable income on servicing their debt. Total outstanding household debt also peaked in 2008 just before the financial crisis at almost $14 trillion. To put this amount in perspective, the entire US economy was worth $14.3 trillion that same year. Source: The Federal Reserve, quoted in Richard Heinberg The End of Growth.
“The expansion of expenditures like 401(k) retirement plans and mortgage interest deductibility has led to a decrease in effective rates at the top as more and more wealthy families take advantage of various tax breaks. According to an analysis by the Congressional Budget Office, more than half of the $900 billion paid in individual income tax expenditures and 80 percent of the tax deductions in 2013 accrued to households in the top 20 percent, with 17 percent accruing to the top 1 percent, while those in the middle income quintile received just 13 percent and those in the lowest 20 percent of income received just 8 percent. At the same time, transfer payments, the direct and in-kind payments that the government makes to individuals, receded. According to the CBO, in 1979, households in the bottom quintile received more than 50 percent of transfer payments. In 2007, similar households received about 35 percent of transfers. (Joseph Stiglitz, Rewriting the Rules of the American Economy)
And more from Richard Heinberg, The End of Growth:
“These figures and many more other sources show how debt has eroded the functionality of the US economy. While credit and debt are natural tools of a market economy, the staggering amounts that have accumulated have diminished the PPP of the general population. Millennials can no longer hope, like their parents, to start in life from a zero-proposition (no debt), can no longer hope to buy a house, to form a family, under the same encouraging auspices.”
“With the crash in the US real estate market starting in 2007, household net worth also crashed (falling by a total of $17.5 trillion or 25.5 percent from 2007 to 2009 — equivalent to the loss of one year of GDP); and as unemployment rose from 4.6 percent in 2007 to almost ten percent (as officially measured) in 2010, average household income declined.“ (Richard Heinberg, The End of Growth.)
There is little hope for retirement planning for many who lost their homes, savings and employment mobility after the 2008 crisis. People are working longer hours for lower wages, pay equity for women has not been accomplished, paid sick and family leave is not mandated by law and is not universal. All these have increased the pressure on retirement planning.
Potential adult support ratio
McArdle writes: “The more workers there are relative to retirees, the smaller the fraction of their income each worker has to give up to support each retiree, and the easier it will be to get them to do so”. This is called the potential adult support ratio.
Would an increasing or decreasing trend in this ratio provide better support for a retirement system? Why?
To answer these questions we need to consider the following:
Of course, raising the ratio indicates that a total population has greater number of potential workers to support the nonworking population. In theory this looks all nice. The big problem, however, is that climate change, raising cost of resources, financial instability, risk of global conflicts, put under severe scrutiny the very concept of the adult support ratio. Yes, we need a sustainable replacement fertility rate, or the human species goes extinct. On the other hand, we have reached the limits of neoliberal growth, we need a completely new mindset of economic thinking, that also considers the emergences of AI and robotics. For example: there are 3 million truckers in the US. That’s a sizeable % of the workforce. Specialists estimate that in 10-20 years trucks will be self-driven. There will not be 3 millions new jobs to replace those lost, and 3 million new young workers will not solve the problem, they will create even more problems.
Economic growth and productivity
Thomas Piketty writes in Capital in the 21st Century:
“According to official forecasts, progress toward the demographic transition at the global level should now accelerate, leading to eventual stabilization of the planet’s population. According to a UN forecast, the demographic growth rate should fall to 0.4 percent by the 2030s and settle around 0.1 percent in the 2070s. If this forecast is correct, the world will return to the very low-growth regime of the years before 1700. The global demographic growth rate would then have followed a gigantic bell curve in the period 1700–2100, with a spectacular peak of close to 2 percent in the period 1950–1990.” See figure below.
Positive population growth is necessary for:
Population growth alone won’t improve retirement outcomes:
Education for economic growth and productivity?
Education starts in preschool. New generations must learn that the neoliberal model is over. They must be taught to prepare for an after-growth society, when values will emerge not from consumption and production, but from the creating knowledge and maintaining an efficient balance with the environment. The concept of growth must be replaced with the concept of prosperity. Productivity will gradually be externalized to automation and Artificial Intelligence. The new economic models must consider a shift from the obsolete neoliberal model and shift to an economy of prosperity with zero-marginal cost, with virtually unlimited productivity.
Moreover, for baby boomers, Generation X, Y (millenials) and even Z (born 1995-2012), financialized retirement is still a harsh reality. Financial education must be promoted widely, cheaply and with persistence. Education ought to show the path to prosperity by finding the right balance between consumption, savings and leisure. Finding the right spot is the key to saving capitalism and moving on to a new society.
Savings, investments, and productivity
McArdle writes: “Unfortunately, productivity isn’t growing rapidly, and we didn’t have a lot of kids. That leaves plowing a great deal of money into savings and investment, in the hopes that productivity will start to grow again.”
More money going into savings and investments will NOT spur productivity. Let’s qualify and put this into context. Jeremy Rifkin, The Zero Marginal Cost Society:
“Until very recently, economists were content to measure productivity by two factors: machine capital and labor performance. But when Robert Solow—who won the Nobel Prize in economics in 1987 for his growth theory—tracked the Industrial Age, he found that machine capital and labor performance only accounted for approximately 14 percent of all of the economic growth, raising the question of what was responsible for the other 86 percent. This mystery led economist Moses Abramovitz, former president of the American Economic Association, to admit what other economists were afraid to acknowledge—that the other 86 percent is a “measure of our ignorance.” Over the past 25 years, a number of analysts, including physicist Reiner Kümmel of the University of Würzburg, Germany, and economist Robert Ayres at INSEAD business school in Fontainebleau, France, have gone back and retraced the economic growth of the industrial period using a three-factor analysis of machine capital, labor performance, and thermodynamic efficiency of energy use. They found that it is “the increasing thermodynamic efficiency with which energy and raw materials are converted into useful work” that accounts for most of the rest of the gains in productivity and growth in industrial economies. In other words, “energy” is the missing factor.”
The neoclassical/neoliberal model has taught that productivity means roughly to produce the same amount of goods with less capital (including labor) or to produce more goods while capital remains constant. Rifkin and many other economists have pointed out that we are on the verge of exponential increases in non-labour productivity through the emergence of new smart technologies. We are soon going to reach the limit of the human productivity. While automation, software, and artificial intelligence will take over.
In this context, what does it mean to save more and invest more? What would we do with the savings when we will be unemployed and replace by an algorithm that does the work of 100 people? What would it mean to invest in technologies? Where does this money come from, if profits will go down because there will be nobody left to buy those products, because people will not afford to spend anything? These questions are only rhetorical vehicles to properly narrow down the heart of the matter. While the current neoliberal status quo continues, trudging its feet in debt and unemployment, savings will only serve as a temporary fix. Investments will push productivity further with unemployment side-effects. While it is true that some new technologies will create jobs, these new jobs will not offset the jobs displaced. We live in a world where tech companies worth tens of billions are create in garages and end up employing hundreds, perhaps a few thousands workers. These are the new realities. We need to completely redefine productivity.
What can government do to spur productivity?
Government must make sure innovation continues unimpeded, while making sure the social costs of innovation are well accounted for. Innovation has no social benefit if it displaces millions of jobs and lets millions of people scrambling for new opportunities after they have been laid off. Who can learn computer programming in their mid 50s, after having worked for 20 years in a car manufacturing company? It’s unrealistic. Not everyone can jump professions so easily just because market economy’s dictum is “adapt or die”.
Concrete policies that might spur productivity as we currently understand it, but are not limited to the following:
What can employers do to spur productivity?
As we understand productivity, see my definition above, employers could take the following actions, but not limited to these:
Transforming the Retirement Security
Economic cycles are getting shorter and shorter. The US economy is drowning in unprecedented amounts of both public and private debt, while at the same time, major corporations have stashed trillions in overseas tax shelters. The planet is slowly but surely running out of resources. The population is growing close to unsustainable ecological levels. Income and wealth inequality is at historical highest and growing. The GINI index of the US is also growing. The gains in productivity since in the 1970s have not been met with parallel gains in income. The new wealth has gone almost in its entirety to the top 1% and 0.01%. This Great American Theft also has a few more key points:
(The Retirement Gamble – documentary written by Marcela Gaviria and Martin Smith – aired on April 23, 2013 on Frontline, PBS: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/film/retirement-gamble/ )
Professor Guy Standing describes the situation in The Precariat – The New Dangerous Class:
By 2009, only a fifth of US employees had company-based pensions. The main reason was that American firms were trying to cut costs to adjust to the globalization crisis. In 2009, US employers still offering health insurance were paying on average US$6,700 per employee a year, twice as much as in 2001. One response has been to offer core employees ‘high-deductible health care plans’, where they must pay the first tranche of medical costs up to a specified amount. Ford dropped its ‘no deductible’ plan in 2008, requiring employees and family members to pay the first US$400 before insurance compensation started and to pay 20 per cent of most medical bills. This was dismantling part of their income. […]
Ford claimed it switched to self-managed retirement accounts to give workers portability, claiming that younger workers ‘don’t think of a career with one company any more’. In reality, the firm was cutting labour costs and transferring the risks and costs to workers. Their lives were being made more precarious.”
And countless many more examples.
The new social class that has emerged in the US and globally, is the precariat. It consists of the structurally unemployed, victims of the 2008 crisis, low-paid workers in precarious jobs, minimum wage workers, gig workers, indebted millenials, disabled adults, educated adults with incompatible skills for the labor market, overworked workers, undocumented immigrants, underprivileged classes (mostly African-Americans and Latinos).
To transform the US retirement system to meet all these challenges requires an enormous political will, an historical engagement of the population in grassroots movements, to transfer the fundamentals of the economy.
In a study for the Roosevelt Institute, David E. Thigpen notes:
Between 2006 and 2010, the number of part-timers rose from 4 million to 9 million, and today stands at 6 million. That’s 6 million people who want a full-time job but cannot find one.
Many studies and economists in the post-2008 era have shown how the gig economy has grown, how job insecurity soared, how wages have stagnated, how wealth has gone to the richest, how labour force participation has decreased. Thigpen:
“Between 2007 and 2011, the percentage of unemployed who went without jobs for six months or longer increased from 18 percent to 44 percent. And general labor force participation (defined as the percentage of eligible workers who are actually working) is the lowest it’s been since 1977.”
What is Universal Basic Income (UBI) and how can it address these problems?
In a nutshell, an UBI, is a monthly no-strings attached, direct cash payment from the government to all adult citizens. From a philosophical point of view, it is free money. As utopic as it sounds, this concept has deep, fundamental consequences that might transform the foundations of society and the entire economy.
Many successful projects have shown the viability of the concept. UBI has been tested on small scales and it worked: Madhya Pradesh (India), Otjivero-Omitara (Namibia), Manitoba (Canada). Ongoing experiments are underway in the Netherlands, Finland, Ontario (Canada). See this documentary: http://www.filmsforaction.org/watch/a-basic-income-for-everybody/ by Jozef Devillé featuring Guy Standing, Phillippe Van Parijs (philosopher, co-founder European Basic Income Network, BE), Enno Schmidt (Co-initiator of the Swiss Citizen’s Initiative on Basic Income, CH), Daniel Hani (Co-initiator of the Swiss Citizen’s Initiative on Basic Income, CH) and others.
These are the guiding principles of an UBI:
UBI is not a new concept and is not revolutionary. It is a natural consequence of the status quo of US economy. The retirement system is fragile, the political environment is in turmoil and the population has become tired with the American Dream that resembles more of nightmare than of hope. Fundamental changes are required to change the US retirement system.
The 401(k) Problem We Refuse to Solve
The biggest flaw in the retirement plan is that no one saves enough.
By Megan McArdle
Was the 401(k) a tragic mistake?
When you use one of those online calculators to estimate your expected income in retirement, it can sure seem so. Investment returns have proven variable, and individuals are often prone to making idiotic mistakes (like selling everything when the market crashes, which is literally the worst possible time to do so). And that’s only for people who have a 401(k); many people decline to participate in a plan, even when their employer offers matching grants. And according to the Wall Street Journal, the early boosters are turning sour on the whole idea.
“The great lie is that the 401(k) was capable of replacing the old system of pensions,” former American Society of Pension Actuaries head Gerald Facciani told the Journal. “It was oversold.”
This is true. On the other hand, so was Social Security oversold. As was that good ol’ defined benefit pension, so beloved of editorial writers, which was available to only a minority of workers when the 401(k) sprang into being. Nor were those pensions necessarily the generous perpetual incomes of popular imagining; autoworkers and public-sector employees got a great deal, but most people were not working for either the government or General Motors. They got smaller pensions — sometimes much smaller, if their companies failed and dumped the pensions onto the government’s pension insurer.
There’s a perpetual pundit debate over the best way to provide for retirement: defined benefit plans (pensions), defined contribution plans (401(k)s, IRAs and the like) or pay-as-you-go social insurance schemes (Social Security). Most retirement experts I’ve talked to prefer a mix of these, a “three-legged stool.” But as I’ve written before, this is a bit like arguing whether the Titanic would have survived the iceberg if only its hull had been painted green. All three types of retirement savings have different costs and benefits. But these costs and benefits are not the primary reason that people in Western countries have to worry about an impoverished old age.
The funny thing is that, for all the people arguing that some dire problem in one of these three retirement systems urgently requires that we switch to another kind at once, the major problem with all three is exactly the same. It’s even a problem that’s easy to state and easy to fix — no need for extensive blue-ribbon commissions or elaborate white papers. Here’s the solution: Pick whichever system you prefer; it really doesn’t matter. Now slap a 10 to 15 percent surcharge on a worker’s wage income, and divert that money into the system for the worker’s future use. Problem basically solved, because in all three cases, the only flaw that actually matters is that they’re badly underfunded.
If you expect to spend 40 years of your life working, and then another 20 or 30 years living off the money you made during that time, then you need to save a large portion of your salary. Imagine yourself storing up food for the last 30 years of your life from the harvests made during the first 40. You might hope that when you’re older, and no longer toiling in the fields, you won’t need to eat so much. Nonetheless, you’d understand that you would need to put aside a considerable portion of your harvest — something close to what you’re eating each day — to ensure that you don’t starve to death in your old age.
Somehow, we imagine that modern society can make the math different for all the other stuff we consume, from cars to televisions to little paper umbrellas to stick in the cocktails at our retirement parties. And to be fair, to some extent, it has. If productivity is growing quickly, then it is easier to maintain our pre-retirement lifestyles with a smaller pool of savings, because that savings will buy more.
Alternatively, we can have a lot of kids. No matter how you manage your retirement system, you are ultimately expecting to depend on the labor of people younger than you. Whether that labor comes to you in the form of a dividend check or a government benefit or a saintly daughter-in-law building you a new annex in the backyard, you are still expecting someone else younger than you to make stuff, then give it to you without expecting more than gratitude in return. The more workers there are relative to retirees, the smaller the fraction of their income each worker has to give up to support each retiree, and the easier it will be to get them to do so.
Unfortunately, productivity isn’t growing rapidly, and we didn’t have a lot of kids. That leaves plowing a great deal of money into savings and investment, in the hopes that productivity will start to grow again. There is no substitute, no neat transformation we can enact to make that fundamental problem go away.
All the pundits and experts and not a few politicians have been telling us the exact same thing for decades: The retirement system doesn’t have enough money in it. Yet somehow, we are no closer to the obvious solution of putting more money in it. Arguably, in fact, we’re further away, because these endless arguments about the form that our savings should take provide us an excuse to put off doing the saving.
So why do we spend so much time complaining about some side problem with one of the systems, instead of the major problem with all three? Because none of the experts know how to get people to actually do this: to save 15 to 20 percent of their income, or sit still for a law that would make them. Nor has any clever technocrat come up with a way to sort of slip this by folks without their really noticing.
The 401(k) was not the miracle cure for our retirement problems that was promised by some of its more zealous advocates. But it wasn’t a mistake, either, or at least not the important one. The important mistake was deciding that we could spend our first 25 years in school, and our last 25 years in retirement, without cutting our consumption in between. And, at least to date, that’s one mistake we don’t seem to be able to learn from.
(USAGE of the text: click on the number to go to the GLOSSARY, click again to come back to the main text. Multiple readings are highly recommended)
A new fashion has been remarked and promoted by the mainstream media: the portable uterus for men, colloquially known as puterus. They are laced with a titanium shield. The encasing is built with strong flexible nanotubes. The interior contains amniotic fluid. The puterus expands as the foetus expands. The puterus is connected to the man’s bellybutton with an organic fiber glass cord. The wireless puterus connects via Bluetooth to the man’s Pruvia, brain helmet or any other smart device.
Originally developed as a game by the PenIsis Corporation for for high-achieving men, the portable uteruses have gone viral since they got endorsement from the most powerful enthusiastic feminists in the nation. Why? It is a philosophical and humanistic matter. Men have thus achieved full equality on the biological level field of life. Procreation is not being fully outsourced to men, but now becomes fully integrated with the social norms of work/life/family balance.
Supperversed men with high-achieving wives have gladly attached themselves to puteruses and showcased them with pride in business meetings, on golf courses, at sport events, or on the calm lakeshore of their cottages. Competty manhood is the new form of procreation, dubbed by some critics as archaean and artificial. None of these critics have went viral and they got buried soon by mainstream media, that is now flooding the nation with free advertising.
Flicing, glossy headlines push the puteruses as the game-changing device of the 21st century, the finalization of the global emancipation of women and the glorious end of the obsolete tradition of the bi-parental family unit, that has proven time and again challenging, depressing and basically anti-evolutinary.
Take for example the lawlessness of the oldfashioned insemination procedures that required the consent and the presence of women, the 9-month agony for the natural uterus, the mood swings and appetite rollercoaster of the carrying woman, unpredictable sex drive, the ballooning of the mammary glands followed by their disappointing reduction to their original size or to a lesser ampercup with a total loss of verve. Thus, little benefits for both the woman and the disenfranchised man.
Equilibrium was needed. The first puterus models had a unious feature that allowed two people to be connected to the same uterus via quantum USB ports. They had a SHIPME command, to allow one of the two people to disconnect and transfer all responsabilities to the other person. This model did not prove very successful for a very simple reason. People did not like to be stuck together for too long. The model was perceived as annoying handcuffs and it only sold 1 million units, resulting in about 10000 newborn. Hundres of lawsuits were also registered between the two individuals.
The next model that came out had a bimount not for two people but for one person and one artificial caring robot, that could replace the man, in case of emergencies. The undiscarded notion of responsibility was taken by the early adopters to the level of a fantastic promise: We are going to be the mothers of the future!, these proud men said and wore on their t-shirts while walking their puteruses in the park.
These brave men have preexposed the stupidity of the critics who do not understand that mankind needs to move forward towards the next level of existence, because evolution and change is inevitable in the universe.
PenIsis Corp has expanded their line of portable uteruses with a designer model that has a super olated HD screen on the exterior. The screen shows an enhanced animation of the life of the foetus with pseudocaptive infographics and fast editing so people watching do not get bored. The screen can also display colodraked advertising, but not so many men want to use this feature, mainly because advertisers cannot afford the price.
How do men carry around the portable uteruses?
All models come with the standard backpack with the standard two adjustable straps. Other options include: the frontpack that has bricals instead of straps, thus giving a more natural look like that of the standard pregnant woman. Then there is the ensuitz-puterus that can be worn as a side-suitcase by businessmen. This model has an executive look and goes well with business jackets.
Then there is the amendable stroller on wheels that can be pushed or pulled, more spacious, dratted with storage space, pockets and a rechargeable battery. This model is popular with the upper middle-class men. Then there is the klycist purse: good for weekends and nights out with the guys.
There are very few reports on the actual births from portable puteruses. We managed to go undercover to such a birth and we are now able to report.
At duedate, the puterus sends a signal to the carrying man that the time is up. It never happens during the night, or office hours. It never happens before breakfast or the morning bathroom visit.
The man packs his bag and calls a self-taxi. The self-taxi drives itself within the speed limit to the pre-ordered hospital. At the hospital, the man swipes his PenIsis card. He is welcomed by the staff and guided to the reception area for advanced births. The typinger-nurse takes care of the paperwork, that is completely digital. The man is comped with the PenIsis mainframe. He gets a pair of averpants, a prectee for the puterus and vitamis for his slippiness.
One hour later, the man is taken to the delivery room. The roof of the delivery room is a super HD screen with the patient’s favorite movies, news channels and social media applications. This keeps the man satisfied, while the risk of non-vivability of the foetus is practically null.
During this tropopause that lasts for three hours, while the medical staff downloads the foetus information, the man brazes the nicest thoughts he can produce, also helped by the mushroom soup he is being fed intravenously. The man feels counived with the foetus. The man becomes emotional, often cries and calls out for his significant other. This defeats the purpose of the independence and emancipation the man has signed up for, so the calls for his significant other are denied, for the benefit of the man. Men do not like to have regrets.
When the time comes, the man is put into a deep coma, under full anesthetic, while the entire operation is recorded in 3D for his future enjoyment. The etiquist-doctor supervises the delivery protocols. The gynecologist posts everything on social media in real time. The part-time nurse unzips the puterus and extracts the foetus. The assistant parttime nurse applies Rescuepuré cream over the newborn, washes the newborn, staples the barcode label to the newborn’s ankles and then sits down near the man to check his vitals. The man remains heavily underplanted for another hour.
When the man wakes up, the entire PenIsis staff is there to congratulate him. He receives the delivery certificate, selfies are taken and the quality of the newborn is cityly distributed online. After everyone leaves, the man makes the final payment, collects the newborn and leaves the hospital in a self-taxi.
 puterus: post-patriarchal high-tech uterus
 pruvia: quantum multi-potent gadget
 supperversed: people with high manners at supper and capable of socializing in rhymes
 competty: petty and competitive at the same time
 flicing: flowery and sweet like 3D printed cake icing
 ampercup: breast cupsize with variable amperage
 unious: unisexual and pious
 bimount: mechanical adapter initially invented for bisexuals
 colodraked: colored, shape-shifting design invented by early 21st century vocalist Drake
 bricals: artificial organic muscles that can be installed on the outside of the body
 ensuitz: portable, executive attire that can be compressed to fit a tiny box
 dratted: inflated, sometimes bloated, like pregnant she-rats
 klycist: next generation bikes that can fly like kites
 typinger: person highly qualified to type with their fingers
 comped: connected ermetically like a pump in a cylinder
 averpants: pants that can cause no aversion to the genitals
 prectee: cautionary prosthesis to prevent rectum escapes
 slippiness: a form of neurological slippery sleepiness
 tropopause: a break inspired by the Rastafarian philosophy developed at the tropics in the 20th century
 counived: being united comically and verified by a 3rd party
 etiquist: responsible with etiquette and product labeling
 Rescuepuré: bestselling rescue beauty cream
 underplanted: unconscious like a plant
 cityly: city-wide but excluding the slums
Here begins the fishing trip of Shon Schubert, a senior actuarial analyst from Eternalife Insurance Company. He has been byprobored from work with a bonus, cockexcused by his spouse for alone-time reasons, and beer-approved by his buddies because it’s not the playoffs. He brought homoergotic equipment, all the bare necessities, and a powerful white noise apparatus with sounds of the ocean, in case the river is not loud enough to calm him down.
Agluconic power bars, nakedflies repellants that quickally piss off the incoming bloodthirsty wild predators. Shon Schubert found a good glade with isolated lookout just by the stream. He parked the car way outside the forest, about three minutes walk away. He took great pleasure that he found a spot that not even his boss could have found it, with all his bossy top secret access to high resolution GPS data.
Shon Schubert placed the inflatabled veranda against a gonangular espalier of flat shrubberies that had climbed over a rock. Totally incurious about the profundity of the background, Shon Schubert opened the first can of licorice, emptied it and set his chair on the river so he could launch the first fish-attack. Survively he has prepared by reading the Special Air Service Survival Handbook from beginning to end. In fact, he has listened to the audiobook version on its way to here.
When the first abbrafish bit, Shon knew instantly because the live assistant notified him that it might be an abbrafish based on the bait used, the fauna of the region, and the strength of the pull. Shon Schubert pulled hard on the fishing rod and helped himself with a pair of clefsters. After he downloaded the fish on the ground he realized he had made a mistake. Why? It was not an abbrafish but a trout, meaning that the notifier was wrong, despite the fact that he had upgraded the maps and the software. He immediately reported the mistake through the app.
The trout struggled at first, but Shon punched it hard in the head with his fist. The trout collapsed instantly without having the time to WTF-ify the situation. However, Shon’s fist was bleating. It looked like a titure from scraping a surefung with bare hands. But there was no surefung around. He didn’t bring any. He didn’t see any.
Then he looked closely at the trout. The fish had a demoralized face, not because it saw the end of its days, but because it had seen something while living in the river, something that had left an impression on his facial culits. Shon opened the trout with a pair of rockscissors.
Shon’s astonishment. Inside the trout: a tiny ziplock bag the size of a matchbox. Inside the ziplock bag: another smaller ziplock bag. Inside the second ziplock bag: a nano flash memory card.
“Wow,” Shon Schubert said to himself out loud which he rarely does.
Certainly, Shon has brought with him a Pruvia and a Podescon for a weaker signal and more battery. He dropped everything and inserted the flash card into the Podescon, preconsecrating in advance a guest user, in case the flash card had viruses on it.
The flash card was working! It had lots and lots of data and prograts of all sorts: tables, pictures, references, bibliography, names, yes a lot of names, and contact information. Who were these people? What does it all mean? Shon bodyed back and forth on the river bank for the rest of the afternoon scratching his head with a stick, from which he removed the bark.
At sunset he made himself a galipot on a campfire, with potatoes and reculton sauce, still thinking about his discovery. He heard owls, wolves (far away), hughts mating, crickets and some other birds that the notifier did not recognize, but nothing that Shon had not prepared for. He built the tent, installed the perimeter electrocuters and a 400 Watt intrusion floodlight.
In the safety of the tent, Shon Schubert looked again in detail at the data on the flashcard. It was mostly in English, entirely mathematical, loosely encrypted. He quickly loaded the strobosheets into a portable Excel and applied a resync filter that he had developed with a teammate. Soon enough some results came out of the doorframe: secret bank accounts, overthrow tactics to take over industries, judox phantom companies to wash out the laundry that was left in the vault and some familiar names.
One of the familiar names was Andrea from work. He used to flocomize her, late evenings, when nobody else could see them. They had their parapsychological connection. But to find her name now on a flashcard, inside a trout, upnorth in a river, that is not normal.
Shon Schubert thought all this was planted, and that he was being trickled down like a fool of a muchless that he was. That was only his inner impression of himself. On the outside, Shon was a tough man. While he ate more saltines with an interradial pattern on them, Shon made further discoveries. Andrea had some connections in Panama, under a different name. There were pictures of her with a Panamanian man. She wore a satyaloko, and some religious terce broach on a necklace. He had never seen her dressed like that. In the background, houses from various Panamanian flectowns, ghazzali ornaments, colored brances with street numbers, street vendors and other animated activities. Andrea was obviously active in Central America, which gave Shon more reason to doubt her antineutralism that she confessed one night under the influence of alcohol.
Only after midnight, under the heavy bombardment of thoughts, Shon Schubert was able to fall asleep with white noises blasting into his earphones.
 to byprobe: to obtain a leave of absence from work, with pay, and without the need of a probation hearing with the manager
 to cockexcuse: (males only) to obtain permission not to exercise the faculties of the penis
 homoergotic: related to preserving the physical ego of a human
 agluconic: postorganic edibles
 inflatabled: inflatable bed that prevents night bleeding
 gonangular: angle at which gonorrhea cannot develop
 abbrafish: a very abrasive fish
 clefsters: titanium tool used for retrieving fish and declogging exoskeletons
 titure: fissure of the male tits caused by muscle rupture
 surefung: very hard mushroom that needs to be scraped to provide ecstasy shavings
 culits: fish muscles that have not been affected by botox dumped in rivers
 Pruvia: quantum universal gadget
 Podescon: quantum battery and signal amplifier
 prograts: any of post-software programs, apps, algorithms
 to body: to move the body using brain functions instead of exoskeletons
 galipot: edible crude turpentine obtained from the maritime pine
 reculton: (adj.) cult-like and spicy
 hught: post-Darwinian genetically modified rodent
 strobosheet: stroboscopic mnemonic table data
 judox: multinational corporation that employs oxymoronic judo tactics
 to flocomize: to use virtual reality for intense physical benefits
 muchless: a man who thinks he is a macho but in reality is less than that
 saltines: canned, salty, biodegradable, plastic-free sardines
 satyaloko: a Mexican-American accessory first invented by Siberian monks
 terce: (adj.) relating to the third of the seven canonical hours, no longer in liturgical use
 flectown: poor neighbourhood with high production of phflegm
 ghazzali: beautiful haut-couture developed in Ghaza
 brance: a sort of a house where bros come together to dance