URBAN DICTIONARY OF THE YEAR 2069: How to give birth as a man

(USAGE of the text: click on the number to go to the GLOSSARY, click again to come back to the main text. Multiple readings are highly recommended)

A new fashion has been remarked and promoted by the mainstream media: the portable uterus for men, colloquially known as puterus[1]. They are laced with a titanium shield. The encasing is built with strong flexible nanotubes. The interior contains amniotic fluid. The puterus expands as the foetus expands. The puterus is connected to the man’s bellybutton with an organic fiber glass cord. The wireless puterus connects via Bluetooth to the man’s Pruvia[2], brain helmet or any other smart device.

Originally developed as a game by the PenIsis Corporation for for high-achieving men, the portable uteruses have gone viral since they got endorsement from the most powerful enthusiastic feminists in the nation. Why? It is a philosophical and humanistic matter. Men have thus achieved full equality on the biological level field of life. Procreation is not being fully outsourced to men, but now becomes fully integrated with the social norms of work/life/family balance.

Supperversed[3] men with high-achieving wives have gladly attached themselves to puteruses and showcased them with pride in business meetings, on golf courses, at sport events, or on the calm lakeshore of their cottages. Competty[4] manhood is the new form of procreation, dubbed by some critics as archaean and artificial. None of these critics have went viral and they got buried soon by mainstream media, that is now flooding the nation with free advertising.

Flicing[5], glossy headlines push the puteruses as the game-changing device of the 21st century, the finalization of the global emancipation of women and the glorious end of the obsolete tradition of the bi-parental family unit, that has proven time and again challenging, depressing and basically anti-evolutinary.

Take for example the lawlessness of the oldfashioned insemination procedures that required the consent and the presence of women, the 9-month agony for the natural uterus, the mood swings and appetite rollercoaster of the carrying woman, unpredictable sex drive, the ballooning of the mammary glands followed by their disappointing reduction to their original size or to a lesser ampercup[6] with a total loss of verve. Thus, little benefits for both the woman and the disenfranchised man.

Equilibrium was needed. The first puterus models had a unious[7] feature that allowed two people to be connected to the same uterus via quantum USB ports. They had a SHIPME command, to allow one of the two people to disconnect and transfer all responsabilities to the other person. This model did not prove very successful for a very simple reason. People did not like to be stuck together for too long. The model was perceived as annoying handcuffs and it only sold 1 million units, resulting in about 10000 newborn. Hundres of lawsuits were also registered between the two individuals.

The next model that came out had a bimount[8] not for two people but for one person and one artificial caring robot, that could replace the man, in case of emergencies. The undiscarded notion of responsibility was taken by the early adopters to the level of a fantastic promise: We are going to be the mothers of the future!, these proud men said and wore on their t-shirts while walking their puteruses in the park.

These brave men have preexposed the stupidity of the critics who do not understand that mankind needs to move forward towards the next level of existence, because evolution and change is inevitable in the universe.

PenIsis Corp has expanded their line of portable uteruses with a designer model that has a super olated HD screen on the exterior. The screen shows an enhanced animation of the life of the foetus with pseudocaptive infographics and fast editing so people watching do not get bored. The screen can also display colodraked[9] advertising, but not so many men want to use this feature, mainly because advertisers cannot afford the price.

How do men carry around the portable uteruses?

All models come with the standard backpack with the standard two adjustable straps. Other options include: the frontpack that has bricals[10] instead of straps, thus giving a more natural look like that of the standard pregnant woman. Then there is the ensuitz[11]-puterus that can be worn as a side-suitcase by businessmen. This model has an executive look and goes well with business jackets.

Then there is the amendable stroller on wheels that can be pushed or pulled, more spacious, dratted[12] with storage space, pockets and a rechargeable battery. This model is popular with the upper middle-class men. Then there is the klycist[13] purse: good for weekends and nights out with the guys.

There are very few reports on the actual births from portable puteruses. We managed to go undercover to such a birth and we are now able to report.

At duedate, the puterus sends a signal to the carrying man that the time is up. It never happens during the night, or office hours. It never happens before breakfast or the morning bathroom visit.

The man packs his bag and calls a self-taxi. The self-taxi drives itself within the speed limit to the pre-ordered hospital. At the hospital, the man swipes his PenIsis card. He is welcomed by the staff and guided to the reception area for advanced births. The typinger[14]-nurse takes care of the paperwork, that is completely digital. The man is comped[15] with the PenIsis mainframe. He gets a pair of averpants[16], a prectee[17] for the puterus and vitamis for his slippiness[18].

One hour later, the man is taken to the delivery room. The roof of the delivery room is a super HD screen with the patient’s favorite movies, news channels and social media applications. This keeps the man satisfied, while the risk of non-vivability of the foetus is practically null.

During this tropopause[19] that lasts for three hours, while the medical staff downloads the foetus information, the man brazes the nicest thoughts he can produce, also helped by the mushroom soup he is being fed intravenously. The man feels counived[20] with the foetus. The man becomes emotional, often cries and calls out for his significant other. This defeats the purpose of the independence and emancipation the man has signed up for, so the calls for his significant other are denied, for the benefit of the man. Men do not like to have regrets.

When the time comes, the man is put into a deep coma, under full anesthetic, while the entire operation is recorded in 3D for his future enjoyment. The etiquist[21]-doctor supervises the delivery protocols. The gynecologist posts everything on social media in real time. The part-time nurse unzips the puterus and extracts the foetus. The assistant parttime nurse applies Rescuepuré[22] cream over the newborn, washes the newborn, staples the barcode label to the newborn’s ankles and then sits down near the man to check his vitals. The man remains heavily underplanted[23] for another hour.

When the man wakes up, the entire PenIsis staff is there to congratulate him. He receives the delivery certificate, selfies are taken and the quality of the newborn is cityly[24] distributed online. After everyone leaves, the man makes the final payment, collects the newborn and leaves the hospital in a self-taxi.



[1] puterus: post-patriarchal high-tech uterus

[2] pruvia: quantum multi-potent gadget

[3] supperversed: people with high manners at supper and capable of socializing in rhymes

[4] competty: petty and competitive at the same time

[5] flicing: flowery and sweet like 3D printed cake icing

[6] ampercup: breast cupsize with variable amperage

[7] unious: unisexual and pious

[8] bimount: mechanical adapter initially invented for bisexuals

[9] colodraked: colored, shape-shifting design invented by early 21st century vocalist Drake

[10] bricals: artificial organic muscles that can be installed on the outside of the body

[11] ensuitz: portable, executive attire that can be compressed to fit a tiny box

[12] dratted: inflated, sometimes bloated, like pregnant she-rats

[13] klycist: next generation bikes that can fly like kites

[14] typinger: person highly qualified to type with their fingers

[15] comped: connected ermetically like a pump in a cylinder

[16] averpants: pants that can cause no aversion to the genitals

[17] prectee: cautionary prosthesis to prevent rectum escapes

[18] slippiness: a form of neurological slippery sleepiness

[19] tropopause: a break inspired by the Rastafarian philosophy developed at the tropics in the 20th century

[20] counived: being united comically and verified by a 3rd party

[21] etiquist: responsible with etiquette and product labeling

[22] Rescuepuré: bestselling rescue beauty cream

[23] underplanted: unconscious like a plant

[24] cityly: city-wide but excluding the slums

About Vlad Bunea

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