URBAN DICTIONARY OF THE YEAR 2069: A fishing trip with a strange discovery

Here begins the fishing trip of Shon Schubert, a senior actuarial analyst from Eternalife Insurance Company. He has been byprobored[1] from work with a bonus, cockexcused[2] by his spouse for alone-time reasons, and beer-approved by his buddies because it’s not the playoffs. He brought homoergotic[3] equipment, all the bare necessities, and a powerful white noise apparatus with sounds of the ocean, in case the river is not loud enough to calm him down.

Agluconic[4] power bars, nakedflies repellants that quickally piss off the incoming bloodthirsty wild predators. Shon Schubert found a good glade with isolated lookout just by the stream. He parked the car way outside the forest, about three minutes walk away. He took great pleasure that he found a spot that not even his boss could have found it, with all his bossy top secret access to high resolution GPS data.

Shon Schubert placed the inflatabled[5] veranda against a gonangular[6] espalier of flat shrubberies that had climbed over a rock. Totally incurious about the profundity of the background, Shon Schubert opened the first can of licorice, emptied it and set his chair on the river so he could launch the first fish-attack. Survively he has prepared by reading the Special Air Service Survival Handbook from beginning to end. In fact, he has listened to the audiobook version on its way to here.

When the first abbrafish[7] bit, Shon knew instantly because the live assistant notified him that it might be an abbrafish based on the bait used, the fauna of the region, and the strength of the pull. Shon Schubert pulled hard on the fishing rod and helped himself with a pair of clefsters[8]. After he downloaded the fish on the ground he realized he had made a mistake. Why? It was not an abbrafish but a trout, meaning that the notifier was wrong, despite the fact that he had upgraded the maps and the software. He immediately reported the mistake through the app.

The trout struggled at first, but Shon punched it hard in the head with his fist. The trout collapsed instantly without having the time to WTF-ify the situation. However, Shon’s fist was bleating. It looked like a titure[9] from scraping a surefung[10] with bare hands. But there was no surefung around. He didn’t bring any. He didn’t see any.

Then he looked closely at the trout. The fish had a demoralized face, not because it saw the end of its days, but because it had seen something while living in the river, something that had left an impression on his facial culits[11]. Shon opened the trout with a pair of rockscissors.

Shon’s astonishment. Inside the trout: a tiny ziplock bag the size of a matchbox. Inside the ziplock bag: another smaller ziplock bag. Inside the second ziplock bag: a nano flash memory card.

“Wow,” Shon Schubert said to himself out loud which he rarely does.

Certainly, Shon has brought with him a Pruvia[12] and a Podescon[13] for a weaker signal and more battery. He dropped everything and inserted the flash card into the Podescon, preconsecrating in advance a guest user, in case the flash card had viruses on it.

The flash card was working! It had lots and lots of data and prograts[14] of all sorts: tables, pictures, references, bibliography, names, yes a lot of names, and contact information. Who were these people? What does it all mean? Shon bodyed[15] back and forth on the river bank for the rest of the afternoon scratching his head with a stick, from which he removed the bark.

At sunset he made himself a galipot[16] on a campfire, with potatoes and reculton[17] sauce, still thinking about his discovery. He heard owls, wolves (far away), hughts[18] mating, crickets and some other birds that the notifier did not recognize, but nothing that Shon had not prepared for. He built the tent, installed the perimeter electrocuters and a 400 Watt intrusion floodlight.

In the safety of the tent, Shon Schubert looked again in detail at the data on the flashcard. It was mostly in English, entirely mathematical, loosely encrypted. He quickly loaded the strobosheets[19] into a portable Excel and applied a resync filter that he had developed with a teammate. Soon enough some results came out of the doorframe: secret bank accounts, overthrow tactics to take over industries, judox[20] phantom companies to wash out the laundry that was left in the vault and some familiar names.

One of the familiar names was Andrea from work. He used to flocomize[21] her, late evenings, when nobody else could see them. They had their parapsychological connection. But to find her name now on a flashcard, inside a trout, upnorth in a river, that is not normal.

Shon Schubert thought all this was planted, and that he was being trickled down like a fool of a muchless[22] that he was. That was only his inner impression of himself. On the outside, Shon was a tough man. While he ate more saltines[23] with an interradial pattern on them, Shon made further discoveries. Andrea had some connections in Panama, under a different name. There were pictures of her with a Panamanian man. She wore a satyaloko[24], and some religious terce[25] broach on a necklace. He had never seen her dressed like that. In the background, houses from various Panamanian flectowns[26], ghazzali[27] ornaments, colored brances[28] with street numbers, street vendors and other animated activities. Andrea was obviously active in Central America, which gave Shon more reason to doubt her antineutralism that she confessed one night under the influence of alcohol.

Only after midnight, under the heavy bombardment of thoughts, Shon Schubert was able to fall asleep with white noises blasting into his earphones.

THE END

GLOSSARY:

[1] to byprobe: to obtain a leave of absence from work, with pay, and without the need of a probation hearing with the manager

[2] to cockexcuse: (males only) to obtain permission not to exercise the faculties of the penis

[3] homoergotic: related to preserving the physical ego of a human

[4] agluconic: postorganic edibles

[5] inflatabled: inflatable bed that prevents night bleeding

[6] gonangular: angle at which gonorrhea cannot develop

[7] abbrafish: a very abrasive fish

[8] clefsters: titanium tool used for retrieving fish and declogging exoskeletons

[9] titure: fissure of the male tits caused by muscle rupture

[10] surefung: very hard mushroom that needs to be scraped to provide ecstasy shavings

[11] culits: fish muscles that have not been affected by botox dumped in rivers

[12] Pruvia: quantum universal gadget

[13] Podescon: quantum battery and signal amplifier

[14] prograts: any of post-software programs, apps, algorithms

[15] to body: to move the body using brain functions instead of exoskeletons

[16] galipot: edible crude turpentine obtained from the maritime pine

[17] reculton: (adj.) cult-like and spicy

[18] hught: post-Darwinian genetically modified rodent

[19] strobosheet: stroboscopic mnemonic table data

[20] judox: multinational corporation that employs oxymoronic judo tactics

[21] to flocomize: to use virtual reality for intense physical benefits

[22] muchless: a man who thinks he is a macho but in reality is less than that

[23] saltines: canned, salty, biodegradable, plastic-free sardines

[24] satyaloko: a Mexican-American accessory first invented by Siberian monks

[25] terce: (adj.) relating to the third of the seven canonical hours, no longer in liturgical use

[26] flectown: poor neighbourhood with high production of phflegm

[27] ghazzali: beautiful haut-couture developed in Ghaza

[28] brance: a sort of a house where bros come together to dance

 

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